


Dear You

by Burgie



Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: F/F, just mentions of it really, mentions of pain, some mild body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 23:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15717285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: Katja writes a letter to the love of her life, but she never lets anyone see it.





	Dear You

_Alex_

Katja took a deep breath. She just had to remember that nobody would read this, that nobody would even know that she'd written this, that nobody... nobody would be there to laugh at her, to call her weak, to tattle on her to Garnok. Not again, anyway. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes, trying to concentrate, to remember, to bring herself to write this. She'd read somewhere that writing things out was a good way to get over things. She just hoped it would work. She put pen to paper again, almost feeling as though it was her blood spilling onto the paper rather than ink (and, hopefully, her feelings). If anyone else knew, it would be her blood spilling onto the paper. Just as it had been-

_We have, throughout history, throughout the centuries, been enemies. Sworn, destined enemies. Ever since you were created, ever since I was called to Garnok's side, my role has been to destroy you. And, in turn, your role has been to destroy me. I wish that it didn't have to be like that, I really, really do. Not at first, of course, at first you were just my enemy. Only... we could never tell who the next Soul Rider could be. The druids teach that Dark Riders, that Generals, cannot sense the bond between human and horse. And that is true. But we also, sadly, cannot sense the bond between the Soul Riders. We cannot sense new Soul Riders. We recognise them when they wear the correct robes and ride the correct horses, after all, it is highly unlikely that a girl named Alex will have a horse named Tin Can. That a Lisa should have a Starshine. That an Anne will have a Concorde. That a Linda will have a Meteor. And so, at first, we were merely advised to avoid any women with those names, and horses with those names. Along with avoiding the druids and Keepers, of course. That was obvious._

_But sometimes... sometimes, the heart wants what it wants, regardless of name, regardless of destiny, regardless of anything. And I know that I should not love you. It doesn't make sense, not when we're bonded to be enemies until we die or the world ends. But no. We cannot die. You will always be reborn, and I will always revive. Such is our fate. But perhaps it is my fate to love you. Perhaps we are not bonded to be enemies, but bonded to be together. In whatever way. Our souls are entwined, as are our destinies. Not unlike the way that your soul is entwined with Tin Can, and with those other girls. I used to be jealous of them._

_It's true. I used to be jealous of the bond that you share with your horse, and the bond that you share with the other Soul Riders. How could they be your destiny, I thought, when I am supposed to be your destiny? There are too many links, too many bonds, and it all became tangled and I-_

Katja's hand stilled on the page, her body trembling as she fought to contain the emotions threatening to spill over. The rage, the sadness, the despair. She took another deep breath and let it out, hating the way her breathing hitched in her throat.

_One cycle seemed to last longer than the others. I think you died young, before you could even come into your powers. Not by our hand, though. Please don't think that. We would never stoop to harming innocent babies. At least, I wouldn't._

Well, who cared about keeping things in chronological order, anyway? She was only going to destroy the thing.

_Especially not after Garnok killed our son. Killed, and brought back to life, and tortured and killed over and over again. He inherited my ability to revive, unfortunately. Well, it would have been fortunate, but the ability to revive is never a good thing when you're being tortured. Garnok was able to kill him so many times. And he made me watch the whole thing._

Tears fell onto the page as Katja sobbed, marring words that would only be destroyed later anyway. At least people around here were used to her crying. They didn't even make fun of her anymore, they just left her to sulk. Well, Darko had threatened her a few times, telling her to harden up and act like a Dark Rider, not like a heart-broken teenager, it had been centuries, after all. Katja had given him hallucinations about a cat toy coming to life in retaliation before shutting herself up in her room again.

_In the end, Garnok turned our son, Buck, into one of his little soldiers. He forced him to beat the snot out of your little brother. Were I not so involved, I would have appreciated the irony. But as it was, it was all I could do to keep myself together around you. So I resorted to cruelty, taunting you and just overall being a bitch. Even though it broke my heart, it would have hurt worse to have you so close only to kill you again. My heart would have been completely shattered into pieces. Again._

_I didn't even try to survive in the few cycles after Buck's... transformation. I ran away. Deep into Pandoria at first, and then, when I realised my mistake, back into Jorvik, deep into the mountains where runestones dotted every spare inch of the landscape. It burned, it made my bones feel like they were melting, like my blood was boiling, like my body was about to just start falling apart on me. But I didn't care. I was in enough emotional pain, some physical pain didn't bother me. Part of me felt like I was being punished by Garnok, still, even after he'd taken my son and the love of my life away from me._

_I really should've known better than to let my guard down. Should've known better than to hope, even for a second, that things would be okay. Because they weren't. And things will never be okay. Even after Garnok is destroyed, destroying him will destroy us too. I could survive in Pandoria. But no, I couldn't. Garnok took away my protections after I betrayed him and our cause by revealing the plan to the four of you. And yes, that was on purpose, because I wanted to give you a chance, wanted to give us a chance. Maybe I am as weak as they say, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore._

_All I want is you. And Buck, and the life that we had together. I want all of that back, I want my family back, I want you. More than anything. And I know I keep saying that, that I want you, but I do. I never truly got over you. I can't, not when I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in my very long life. Sabine has taken on many lovers over the years, as has Jessica, but not me. I've only ever truly loved you. There has been no one else, not since I met you in that first incarnation. That first cycle. There was a girl on a horse. And it was you._

Katja took a few deep breaths, trying to steady her breathing. She had to finish this. There was still so much more to tell, after all. Even though her heart was breaking all over again as she remembered every awful thing that had ever happened to her. Maybe she should also write about the good things, if she could bring herself to do that. But she was just too upset to even muster a smile right now.

_Loving you was the greatest mistake that I ever made. No, I can't say that. The biggest mistake was actually joining Garnok. But I was young and stupid and I couldn't resist the spell that he put on us. He spoke such sweet tales of how powerful we'd be, how much we'd be able to achieve, how much we could change the world and make our dreams come true if only we would join him. Sabine and Jessica went to him like fish to a baited hook, as did I, following my older sisters. I did struggle, though, right at the end. But by then, it was too late._

_Garnok has always known that I am the potential weak link. I don't think he was surprised when I revealed our plans to you. That's why he's always been so hard on me. Punishing me. Maybe he's even punishing me with how much I love you, I don't know. It certainly feels like a punishment sometimes. When all I can think of is you. When we come face to face in a battle and all I want to do is kiss you. Even whenever I see a storm, I think of you. The Lightning, the warrior of Aideen's chosen heroes. You sure do live up to that title, my love._

_I remember in one cycle, the four of you were seafaring voyagers. I don't know how your horses factored into things, but you fought us off expertly with your sword and harpoon. You even wrested control of lightning from a storm in an attempt to fry us alive in the water. Ordinarily, it wouldn't have worked. But of course you used Soul Strike instead of just regular lightning. You're so smart. So smart, and wonderful, and..._

Katja sighed. She was in way too deep. But at least she wasn't crying quite so much anymore.

_Your tenacity in this cycle alone is something awe-inspiring. Something that I admire. You've been beaten down in life, told that you'll never amount to anything. But did you give up? Never! You are Alex Cloudmill, a warrior through and through. Being told that you couldn't do something only made you work harder at it. At your grades, at your riding, at earning enough money for your family to survive. I've loved watching you work. Always have. Even when you broke down and cried a few times because something just wasn't working, you never gave up. Your tears only showed that you were human, despite harbouring the powers of a demigoddess. I wish that mine did the same, but alas... they are only a weakness._

As Katja wrote, she flicked tears away from her cheeks. Such a weakness. An indulgence. Warriors shouldn't cry. Villains shouldn't cry. It was a sign of weakness, that she wasn't strong enough to fight, couldn't handle it, should be replaced with someone else.

_So many times, I wished that I could have held you through your tears. That I could have told you just how much I admired you. How much I still do admire you. But I couldn't. I had to be mean, had to be cruel, had to be a bitch, had to rub salt in the wounds. Had to make you hurt. And oh, how hard you fought me when I did taunt you. But only a few times, before I realised that being so close to you made me confused. I couldn't fight you, not when I wanted to kiss you rather than kill you. And so I stepped back, and let Buck do my dirty work._

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't stop loving you. I wish I could, but I just can't. I've tried so hard. Even Garnok wasn't able to stop me, no matter what he did. Perhaps, when this world ends, I will still love you. You will be my final thought. I don't dare to hope that I'll die in your arms again._

_All the love in the universe (and all other worlds)  
Katja_

Even before the ink had dried, Katja sparked a flame in her palm. She brought the paper to it, letting the fire hungrily eat it up. Nobody would ever know the true extent of her feelings. And it had made her feel a little better, to write about it. The love still remained, but at least she'd told someone. Even if that someone, or something, was now turning into little more than ashes.

It was better this way.


End file.
